17 February 2009

17th February: Two Worlds

Are writers not the best magicians? For not only can they hide a rabbit in a hat, but they know how to hide whole worlds, lands, castles, people; harnessing the power of fear and grief along side those of hope and faith and love.

I have been living in two worlds...

I have gone on an adventure to find a fallen star. I have traveled to far away lands with languages unheard by man kind. I have sat in the great concert halls of Venice. I have visited the four corners of the earth, before falling over the edge. Been a watch maker, a squire, a traveling gypsy.

The people I have seen, shared my meals with, listened to their stories by campfire. Characters I will never forget, though that I've also never meet. I love the direct out come of these worlds, there is an ending. All that has been accomplished, all that has been overcome, is now a lesson you know you learnt. All the little pieces are brought together to form the whole picture which you can now see.

Then there is the second world I find myself in...

Though not quite so full of dangerous adventures, and far away lands. There are all the characters you could ever hope to meet. There are those here I would travel to no end of lands for their safety. Although in reality the most I might ever be able to offer them is the love I carry with me, enough for them all. (For my heart will never be too full, it will only grow to fit everyone in.)

Days here sometimes drag by in a slow trudge of work, and responsibilities; although at times you want only to bury your head in the sand till the storm passes by, I would rather live in this painful, hard, rewarding, unpredictable life than any fairy world that I like to visit in my stories.

16 February 2009

16th February: All the Good Things

Making rice pudding at 10pm and enjoying it with lots of cinnamon on top,
Wearing red lipstick while eating rice pudding and listening to Schuberts Piano Sonata in A. (All in the name of music homework of coarse)
This was proceeded by my own tinkling on the black and white keys of my beloved theropist, patients builder, at times frustration releser, but mainly musical instrument with whom I love to waste the time that is never truly wasted.
I read that the other day,
"Time that you enjoyed wasting was not wasted at all"
Sadly it did not mention who wrote it, but with thoughts like that I sure would have liked to read more of them.

For reasons unknown my blogger account has been saving posts I've been trying to publish. Though it seems to be in a good mood tonight. If all is well again, I will be uploading posts from nearly two weeks ago. After writing everyday for two months I couldn't just stop cold turkey, I'd get the shakes around 9:30pm, "I need to write something."

08 February 2009

8th February: Country Entertainment

Guess what I went to?

Hot sun beating down upon the earth, the air smelling of dirt, sweat, and sh!t. Sounds like a perfect day for a rodeo. Now we all know at such events there are a sea of cowboys (I -of coarse- am referring to the hats!) and this one came with no exception.
I enjoyed the day with my brother and his girl friend, sitting in the shade of a tarp pulled and pinned much like a tent.
Watching man and horse and bull battle it out in the arena before us.
Some boys for our town were signed up to ride in the days events, which made one feel a little more connected to the goings on; I have never been to a rodeo where I have watched someone I know.
The day brought about my brother saying how one of our 'local riders' is going to give him some coaching so he can enter in the next time the rodeo is here again. (Apparently that is around June-July...) Cant wait!

05 February 2009

5th February: Unwelcome guests

My eyes opened, consciousness slowly brought into focus the room around me, as on any given morning. I open the bedroom door, pulling it toward me, I leave my sanctuary for the day.
Two steps of the twenty-five it is to the end of the corridor, my head at this time is still coming to terms with all that must be done during the next 10 hours, something is under my foot; oh, its only a frog.


Whats he doing here, under my foot, waking me up so sharply and quite rudely.

I know that country girls are meant to be tough; and although I am quite happy and willing to try my hand at any job that might come up and need an extra person, -there are just a few things I have never been able to come to terms with. That is the creepy-crawlies, and reptiles. Goosies are coming up on my arms with the very thought of them.

Meeting Mr. Frog in our corridor got me thinking, how and where do these critters get in. Windows, though they all have screens, we don't have any holes in the floors, and our walls are sealed. One disturbing thought was that maybe he was carried in on one of us. (If this was the case, I pray it wasn't me, and if it was, I'm glad he hopped off before I found him attached.)

Over the years we have had some strange (uninvited) visitors. Bats that have chased us around from room to room. Mother, Me and Brother -yes Brother too- screaming with a flapping bat on our trail.
There have been spiders the size of dinner plates. Mice who had obviously never lived in any churches for they were the noisiest things you ever did hear.
But of all my creepy encounters there is one that takes the cake.

Of all the things my story could include, this time it really is about the kitchen sink. An unsuspecting, in an organising mood, younger me opened one of the two cupboard doors under the sink, without paying much attention reached my hand in to grab the detol. I looked to see how close my hand was to the bottle, and about 2cm from my fingers was the head of a snake. I did not have to think, (though there is no stopping the hundred thoughts that cross your mind at such moments) it was pure natural reaction to fly oneself to the other side of the kitchen, landing on top of the bench normally a task to climb.

My parents -outside- had no idea what all the screaming was about. Now it is a known fact that if there is anything 'iffy' to be found/had/tripped over, I will be the one to do so. "But she is inside, what could possibly be wrong?"

To this day we have no idea how that snake go there. This whole drama caused snake-proof fences to be erected and cemented in all the way around the garden.
We have not seen a snake in the garden since. Its amazing what desperate measures such events will cause you to take!

04 February 2009

3rd February: Music Within

I believe that everyone has something inside of them, that portrays their very essence. Their very own music within. Though the idea it self may seem a little far fetched, because the argument can be made that not everyone is musical, I find it the easiest way to describe the 'IT' that I am referring to.

'IT' is who you would be if you weren't scared of what people thought, 'IT' is what you would do if you weren't so full of fear, 'IT' is the you who has faith not doubt ruling your life, 'IT' is you doing and being your purpose.

I am ready to let go of the baggage I have collected, the fear and doubts that have stopped me from letting the world hear the music that is inside of me. I am ready to start living my purpose, to spend my time on the people I love instead of the worries of this world that I will leave behind me one day.

I want my family and friends to never doubt the place they hold in my heart. Not just because I tell them that they have a place, but by putting them on the top of my list. What has life become when you tell yourself (and sometimes even others) that you don't have time for a relationship? What is more important??

Really, you can make more money, you don't just die if you have none. Someone is always going to come along and replace you at your job. At the end of the day nobody really cares what certificates you have won for yourself, only you.
Everything else can be taken away in minutes, and none of it will matter when those you do care for can be taken away just as fast.

Don't come to the end of a perfect career and find yourself alone...

02 February 2009

2nd February: Thoughts on Life

Can our dreams or hopes of what we think we have wanted hinder the very purpose of you setting out for what it was you went looking for? As doing something out of love, started to turn into a chore because of someone else’s idea of how it should be done. Helping someone felt like you were needed, until they started to use you. Listening to what someone else had to say was inspiring, until what you thought for yourself was never right. Seeing beauty in everything around you could make days pass in seconds, they laughed at your simpleness. Because maybe they did not have their own happy moment to escape to, they mocked the one that is dear to your heart....

In the end, it does not matter, what they say. Because if you can find doing something, or listening to something, seeing beauty in something to find a peace; don’t let anyone tell you what you have is empty. For it must be their hearts, and lives that are hollow.

They might always have smiles on their lips; seem not to let anything get to them, as to seem in control. I think the truth is these people are scared. Scared of what they do not know, scared of what they do... Scared of what someone else might think if they were to show all that they felt... And all of this gets so far out of hand, that one might really forget where they stand; that the name they were given at birth was for a soul that has its own mind, heart, and life to worry about.
No one else can be blamed for what happened under your name. It was your choice all along. Somewhere along the way you forget that. Somewhere along the way I forgot that... Yes, I am one of those sad sorry souls that worried so much about the things that mean nothing. The very thing I went out to find, to save; I killed it. I lost it. I never considered that it might be taken from me forever. Time, I never factored into the bigger picture.

All there is left for me to do is pray that there is time now to turn from my blindness of the real things. Tell my family that I love them every day. Do things that I might not feel like doing at the time, but I know I will not have to regret never getting there.

I am sorry I have been one of those people I mentioned above... I will not stop looking for beauty again!